It is somewhat fortunate that I did not intend to share this blog with many people so far — otherwise I may not feel a great incentive to post about the most personal, most vulnerable “stuff” here. And I seem to uncover more and more of this “stuff” the further I investigate my own thought and behavioral patterns.
More than half a year (wow!) has passed since my Ayahuasca experience, and even though often times it looks like I’m quite ready for a “round two”, once in a while I still manage to uncover some hidden gem — a tiny little detail from what I saw back then that perfectly fits into my current mental picture and explains something or provides a necessary direction to achieve more clarity.
Shortly after beginning of my experience I saw a cute little girl, probably 2–3 years old. I don’t recall any specific facial or body features of her, except that she had some issue with her upper lip. I did not know who she was, and why she was being shown to me, but I felt unbelievably strong incentive to get to know her. Also, there seemed to be some sort of inner voice of mine, saying “She’s my sister”…
The trait that was immediately apparent about her was her cold, dense, powerful sadness. I was not phased by it, but at the same time I was surprised by the intensity of the emotion she was feeling. As my experience went on, I kept trying to communicate with her, to cheer her up . But at the same time it was apparent that this huge “dose” of sadness is something that is way beyond my understanding and abilities.
I could not explain the reason for this girl being there. It was pretty much only part of experience that I could not interpret in any way. And so I gave my mental priority to some more easily interpreted parts of ayahuasca journey, while completely forgetting about my “sister” later on. And it was only few weeks ago that I got reminded of her again.
One day, as I had yet another “bad morning”, feeling irritated while thinking about some friends of mine, internally arguing about not-so-important things, I noticed how much energy does this activity actually drain from me. After realizing it, I simply fell on my chair and helplessly gave up trying to come up with a solution to my imaginary problems. Suddenly, some sort of inner voice spoke, loud and clear:
I only wish to find a place in this world where I could feel like I deserve to live.
Now, this felt shocking. I never before noticed that there’s this inner belief about myself, that basically states “I don’t deserve to live” — and now it was being shown to me in such an obvious fashion. As soon as that happened, I saw this girl from ayahuasca experience once again, and I clearly felt the same very intense sadness that I was feeling from her back then…
It has become quite clear. She was not “just a girl randomly appearing in my vision”. No. She was an inner part of myself that I did not notice till now! I carried this super intense sadness buried deep underneath, without noticing (or at least not identifying) it before!
After this happened I could clearly see how all of my life is entangled with this belief of “utter unworthiness”, how it correlates with my self-confidence (or, the lack of it), with relationships, with future plans and current POVs. It felt very unamusing, to say the least, but it also felt very “true” and it clarified a lot of things — which I still feel very grateful for.
It did not end there, though. Today I got another instance of “meeting my belief”, while suddenly realizing how much I depend on being heard, respected and supported by other people, and how painfully I perceive the lack of it; even though consciously I see myself very independent, and even though I think and act AS IF I am indeed very independent and careless guy.
The issue with this “inner belief stuff” is that there’s no actual sense of stability, no sense of truly “moving forward”. It’s almost like traveling the road, then stopping to calculate the length of the route it takes to reach a destination… When suddenly the whole road collapses and you end up standing in some underground street, just beginning your journey all over again…
Well. I don’t really have anything to wrap this article up with. And it seems fitting. The journey is not finished either, after all. Let’s see what comes next.
