Second Ceremony: Setting Free The Inner Beast
After having previously described experiences in Doetinchem I was certain I’d be “meeting” with Ayahuasca again in my life. But even though the whole year has passed since my first ceremony, I still didn’t feel the “call” nor had any “good” reason to take it once more. It was quite funny, though, how circumstances seem to have fallen into place in order to convince me to actually go and have another experience with lady Aya.
First, I found out that a double ceremony was going to be held right here in my city; second, I met with this amazing person online, who, out of the blue, suggested I should try plant medicine; finally, I started having these very peculiar pains and ailments throughout my body that doctors couldn’t quite make sense of, which somewhat got me worried and made me wonder if Ayahuasca experience could provide at least some kind of clarity about what was going on.
On a day of the first of two upcoming ceremonies I felt absolutely utterly terrified. Somehow I convinced myself that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and therefore deserve a harsh punishment. Also, I remembered these sweet pleasant experiences I had in Netherlands, and therefore it made sense to me that this time it simply had to be a lot more difficult and painful. I wasn’t a completely “newbie” after all, and therefore Mother Aya must have thought that I deserve a “proper” challenge now. I couldn’t stop worrying, didn’t know what to expect, and didn’t even know the reason I was sitting there, in a room with over 20 other people.
A taste was terrible. So terrible, in fact, that one may consider vomiting seconds after swallowing the drink. I was once again faced with the familiar self-inflicted challenge — trying to keep myself from puking so I wouldn’t have to be the “first one”. I was afraid that the sound of my “purging” may create unpleasant experiences for 20+ people around me, and force them to do it as well. Even though now it seems completely ridiculous to worry about something that was inevitably going to happen (and something that is the whole point of the Ayahuasca experience, too), I did cling to this worrying/resistance for quite a while. Then, of course, the purging happened, and, even though this time it took a lot longer for the experience to begin, it finally did.
The music was loud. Rhythm was intense. Otherwordly shamanic singing. Colors. Oh dear oh dear what kind of colors! And shapes. Shaaaadows. Mysterious people dancing, making noises… Oh wait, that’s actually my aya-mates! Cool!! My body was burning. I don’t mean it so much figuratively. It really did feel like burning. It didn’t matter. I felt like I was a part of something way bigger than just a mere human who is burning alive. Humans, meh!
At some point I failed to recognize the difference between my “self” and the “other self” which I could only describe as “the natural mind of my body”. I started singing, but… It wasn’t really ME who was singing. It was a song that was happening inside my vocal chords. My body started moving, but I didn’t move a muscle — there was an act of some different kind of power that completely took over my body. I wasn’t scared of it. I only wanted to “keep up” with an experience and see what happens next. I wanted to be part of this newfound power. And I was.
I recognized my brothers and sisters, dancing and shouting together with me. With my eyes closed, I saw a vision — all of us, little cute animals, sitting around a campfire, patiently listening to a lesson of some powerful mother figure. It didn’t feel like the Aya I got to know in Netherlands. No. It almost seemed like it was the Power of all powers. The law of the world. It was firm and overwhelming in strength. But I knew it loved and cared about me deeply.
My body acted on it’s own for the greater part of the night. I felt like a beast. A tiger. A… Lion? Haha. Hahaha! Good one, I thought. I felt powerful. I felt primal. I wanted to dance, to ACT, to hunt. To… Well, I wanted to fuck, as well. I saw a certain number of females lying in a close proximity, and my body really, REALLY wanted to do something wild with them. There was, however, a tiny grain of common sense inside my mind. For better or worse…
We held a circle in the morning where everyone shared their experiences. One guy saw a vision where he was being eaten alive by a lizard monster. Other people saw their life purposes, their past mistakes, relationship advices, their mothers, fathers… And, well, some didn’t really experience a thing at all. Yeah, the usual.
I already knew Ayahuasca is a powerful drink. I anticipated the effects, the images, the puking part. And this vision of me being a wild cat… Well, maybe it’s a lesson for me to let go of the mind and let my body act on it’s instincts more often? Yeah? Maybe… But… It really confused me. It’s not like I found out something I didn’t already know. I knew I was living in my head all the time, and I realized the consequences of it. But then again, am I supposed to change my whole identity *somehow* just because I saw “cool movie” for a couple of hours? After all, there IS a reason why this “rational mind” is the way it is. How am I supposed to get rid of it in order to become this “beast” I saw in a vision?! A confusion and irritation took over my thoughts.
As my friend decided to not take ayahuasca for the following evening, I was somewhat tempted to leave together with him. What else am I going to see — another “fancy vision” that is not going to tell me anything I don’t already know? I asked for an audience with a host of a ceremony, telling him all my current thoughts.
“How many people are considering to NOT have another ceremony, you ask? Pretty much everyone, actually. It’s natural. That being said — stay. Stay and see what else can Aya tell you.”
His confident and clear answer removed all of my doubts. I decided to stay and try again. Not really expecting much… Worse case scenario — I’ll just vomit and experience the universal love for the majority of the night once again. Right? Right?
To be continued.